Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I guess I must not be a "liberal"...

This afternoon, while engaging in the federal felony offense of "Labor Fraud" (yes, I was killing time on the internet while at work; yes, it is a federal felony), I came across the "You Might Be a Liberal" post from The "You Might Be a Liberal" portion is italicized, my libertarian (read: RATIONAL) response is in bold print...

IQ tests should be used to stop the death penalty, but not to determine admission to AP classes.
The death penalty should be stopped, period. It costs far too much money, it's extremely ineffective, and it often creates more harm than good. Then again, the same could be said for the public education system, which would render the part about "AP classes" rather moot.

The Ten Commandments in schools will hurt the children, but “Heather Has Two Mommies” won’t.
The Ten Commandments being taught in schools goes directly against the Pledge of Allegiance most "conservatives" are so adamant about having school kids reciting. You see, anyone but a retard or an inbred Fox News Channel-addicted redneck (but I repeat myself) can see that teaching the Ten Commandments being taught in a school we're required by law to pay for, is a direct violation of the First Amendment. You know, the first article of amendment to the written constitution that, by definition, states exactly what constitutes "the Republic, for which it stands".

African-American, Queer and Women’s Studies prepare young people for good careers, but a biology major is an outdated relic of white, misogynist domination.
Be careful there, JoeBob. Biology class teaches *gasp* EVOLUTION! You know, that thing you never learned about, but are absolutely convinced teaches students that they come from monkeys?

College students must protest the President (before Obama was elected), but never challenge anything the professor says.
There's not a president in this nation's history that is stupid enough to get within 45 feet of me. I can hum a flip-flop quite a long way, but I'd rather be throwing bricks. By the way, most of my college professors actually enjoyed being questioned, because that meant we were thinking. Engaging in dialogue is generally how people begin to learn more about the points of view belonging to others.

Math tests are racist, but there is nothing racist about blacks being admitted over more qualified white applicants.
Multiple-choice word problem math tests written by suburbanite white guys, involving scenarios that your average 13 year old urban black male would never understand, is every bit as racially biased as the affirmative action programs designed to allow more "minorities" into certain jobs...regardless of whether the bias is intentional or not.

Spending 4 years – make that 5 years – repeating your professor’s liberal slogans is a solid education, but demanding that colleges present all view-points and actually teach the subject is “anti-intellectualism”.
I can honestly say that I had very few "liberal" professors in college...which may come as a shock, considering that I attended a publicly-funded community college and a publicly-funded university. Those who were "liberals" were generally pissed off at me, because I thought for myself. Then again, so were the ones who called themselves "conservative". Go figger...

McCarthyism was wrong, but black-listing “right-wingers” from ever teaching in college is just plain old common sense. A right-winger is anyone who doesn’t toe the line on all issues.

Education is about “feeling”, not knowing. Logic is the product of white male supremacy in our culture.
Again, LOLwhut?

After spending 5 years in college, you still don’t know when the Civil War took place and you are absolutely certain it had nothing to do with freeing black slaves.
I know when the Civil War took place. The AMERICAN Civil War. And NO, it had nothing to do with "freeing black slaves", and everything to do with a state's right to remove itself from the Union. If it had anything to do with slavery, Lincoln probably wouldn't have been so adamant about wanting to deport them after the war.

Meat is bad for you. So is milk. But marijuana gets you ready for your finals.
I was high as a giraffe's ass when I took my S.A.T. test...and after I finished it, I ate a bacon cheeseburger. It was great. Oh, did I mention that I did far beyond better than the national average, while simultaneously being higher than a Chinese box kite?

AIDS is caused by poverty. So is crime. And membership in the Republican party.
AIDS is caused by the transmission of a virus. Crime is caused by greed. I'm still not certain what would cause membership in the Republican Party, but it must really suck! We should try to find a cure.

You march to raise awareness about breast cancer, but believe it’s caused by sexism and infant mortality is caused by racism.
I'm not under the impression that "marching to raise awareness", "wearing a pink ribbon", or putting a bumpersticker on my ride is going to do anything to help find a cure. Instead, I'm going to donate to cancer research centers when I can...and in the meantime, I'm going to lobby my congressman to legalize marijuana, so people like my grandma can find comfort in something other than a poisonous prescription barbiturates as she's dying, without fear of going to jail.

You want to outlaw cigarettes and legalize marijuana.
Well, let's see here. Cigarettes have been shown to cause cancer. Marijuana has been shown to cure cancer. Personally, I disagree with outlawing either one, but if we must choose between the two...

Global Cooling for 10 years proves that there is global warming.
"Global Warming" and "Global Cooling" are both real occurrences. Are they caused by man's pollution of the earth? Doubtful, when we consider that it's been happening for tens of thousands of years. Oh, wait. The earth is only seven thousand years old? Dammit, what do we do now?

You fly on private jets, but feel free to tell others to use only one square of toilet paper to save the environment.
Ummm...most of the time, I drive my gas-guzzling SUV that has the aerodynamics of a lego brick. I do, however, make sure my tires are properly inflated. You know, so I get more miles per gallon and stuff.

You think that using less toilet paper will be good for the air.
Less paper consumption means less lumber consumption. Less lumber consumption means less trees are being harvested. Less trees being harvested means more trees being left growing. More trees being alive means more carbon dioxide is being consumed by trees. More carbon dioxide consumption by trees means more oxygen being created by trees. Yeah, kinda makes sense, considering how I like to BREATHE and stuff like that.

The best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon. You must also prevent pharmaceutical companies from making a profit.
Personally, I think the best way to care for a disease is to cure it, not to give subsidies to pharmaceutical companies for treatment. Moreover, I think people should be allowed to determine how they would like to treat their own diseases, which means doing away with the FDA and the DEA. If they think drinking Clorox will get rid of their high blood pressure, more power to 'em!

People should be allowed to euthanize themselves, but not to eat in McDonald’s.
Eating McDonald's isn't really that much different than self-euthanization, other than the fact that it merely takes a little bit longer. What's your point?

Career welfare recipients are fat because they can’t afford food.
Career welfare recipients are fat for the same reason that most people on a gov't salary (i.e. bureaucrats, cops, school teachers, et cetera) are fat. There's a financial incentive for not getting off your ass and actually doing something worthwhile.

You preach to everyone that diversity is our greatest strength, but you paid half a million dollars more for a house in an all-white suburb than you could’ve for the same house in a black neighborhood.
There's a black dude living right next door to me. We represent two of the six households on this block that use English as the native language.

You see racist code-words in all media except in hip-hop singles such as “Kill The White People”.
I've been listening to "hip-hop" for more than half of my life, and N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton" album still ranks on my top-ten list of favorite all-time albums. In case you didn't know, "N.W.A." is an abbreviation of "Niggas With Attitudes". BTW, we commonly refer to this music as "rap music". I've yet to hear a rap song entitled "Kill The White People", but it sounds pretty dope. Can you tell me who performs it?

You wonder out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
I don't wonder this. I know exactly why I can't get along with all of you retarded inbred hillbillies, you hoodrats that continue to perpetrate racial stereotypes that cause people to hate you (even on a subconscious level), and all you other jackasses that generally piss me off.

You oppose all racial prejudice, but think all whites are racist, consciously or not.
I'm not a racist...but writing this is seriously making me want to hate white people in general. That was a joke. It's called "sarcasm". Perhaps you've heard of it?

IQ tests are completely invalid and there are no differences between people, except when an anonymous blogger posts that all the Red States have a borderline retarded IQ and all the Blue states are made up exclusively of intellectually gifted people. Then you feel the need to send the blog post to everyone you know as conclusive proof that voting for Democrats makes you smart.
If you still think the "red state v. blue state" argument is any more valid than a professional wrestling match, you're probably too stupid to know what the letters "IQ" stand for.

You greet a black person with, “Yo Bro!”
No, I don't. I refer to my accountant as "Ma'am". When I greet her son, I say, "What up, bro?".

Indians created the United States and Europe became great as a result of Islamic influences. On second thought, Europe isn’t great.
Ummmm, no. Old white dudes (many of them being my forefathers) created the United States. Native Americans (again, many of them being my forefathers, although we generally like to call ourselves the "First Nations Peoples") merely inhabited the place first. Indians don't really have anything to do with the United States, other than being the people most often hired as Technical Support Representatives and purveyors of Slurpees.

You can’t believe you were so racist as to say that there’s something great about Europe except their Social Democrat parties.
English guys created the Magna Carta. Germans invented the BMW and Budweiser. A Russian invented the AK47. Some french guy sucked a dick and invented the first blowjob. I like all of these things, although I have to say America did improve on their ideas quite a bit. For instance, we improved on the British model by recognizing that ALL people have rights, and we wrote the Bill of Rights. We saw what the Germans did, and while we haven't really topped the BMW yet, we've certainly enjoyed that very uniquely American creation known as the "12 Pack". Eugene Stoner, a citizen of the US of A, created the Armalite AR15...known by our military as the M16, which bests the AK47's rate of fire by a good 280 rounds per minute. We definitely superseded the french, when we taught our wives and girlfriends that THEY are responsible for giving blowjobs! We kinda stopped worrying about "socialism" when we saw what Stalin and Hitler did, respectively, for communism and the National Socialist Party. Some things are just so horrible that you can't really do anything to improve them, beyond warning people to stay aware from them.

Black dominance in basketball is progress, but white dominance in swimming is an outrage.
And yet, we keep telling people that it's important to stay in school, and not use marijuana...even when the NBA is paying million-dollar salaries to kids right out of high school, and the record-holder for most gold medals ever won by a single Olympic athlete in a single outing caught hell for being photographed taking a toke. Let me get this straight. It's wrong to tell kids to bypass a multi-million dollar salary while their bodies are still able to perform to their natural abilities, because they need to get an education first, and we're still locking people up for possession of houseplants because marijuana is bad for you. Yep. Makes perfect sense!

Illegal Mexicans are real Americans. Descendants of our Founding Fathers aren’t.
Ummm...anyone born in America is technically an "American". That's basic geography. Yes, even people born in SOUTH America are "real Americans". A good many of the people who founded the original 13 colonies, however, were not. Again, that's basic geography. They were European. Duh!

Racial profiling is wrong, but all serial killers are white and all Mexicans are hard-working family men.
The same concept of "profiling Arabs at the airport", on the basis of "most terrorists are Arabic", would apply to the statement of "most serial killers are white" and "most Mexicans are hard-working family men". Well, it would, if it were true. However, most "terrorists" aren't Arabic. The concept of guerrilla warfare is an ancient concept that goes all the way back beyond Sun Tzu. Car bombings were practically invented by the Irish Republican Army, and were used so prolifically that there's even a drink named after it! The Tamil Tigers, an atheist socialist organization bent on keeping a competing oppressive regime out of its southeast Asian turf, once held a monopoly on the phenomenon known as the "suicide bomb". Beheadings, kidnappings, and mass shootings are a de riguer of drug cartels throughout central America, all the way up to the US border. But don't let that stop you from pretending that most serial killers AREN'T caucasian maladjusted males, and most Mexicans won't mow your yard cheap.

US wants to build a wall on the Mexican and not Canadian border because of racism, not because 20 million Mexicans and almost no Canadians cross into the U.S. illegally.
The US wants to build a wall on the Mexican border? Really? Here I was, thinking that our beloved President Bush wanted to put a "virtual border fence" on the Mexican border, complete with multiple billions of dollars spent on surveillance cameras and seismograph equipment, but not an actual "fence". Now why would that be? Oh, yeah, that's right...because it's what they actually spent the money on. Did I mention that the 9/11 hijackers who came through our borders and weren't on student visas, did so through the Canadian border?

There is no correlation between Islamic immigration to Europe and increased anti-Semitic attacks against European Jews.
Dude, really. Come on. European Jewry survived the friggin' Holocaust. I think they can deal with some name-calling and a few fistfights and broken windows! Make 'em sit down, give 'em some beers and a bone to split, and let them work out their differences as they discuss their mutual envy of the bacon-eating cultures of the world.

Prostitution empowers women, but having a man open the door for you is degrading.
Don't tell my old lady this, she'll make me stop opening doors for the hookers!

You get out of bed, look at your naked body and at your wife’s, and then think: “gender is a social construct that has no basis in science”.
Not really. I just think about how pissed off she's going to be when I hold her head under the covers after I rip a fart.

On second thought, you got married in Vermont and your wife’s name is Thomas.
Yeah. Because we can't allow gay people to be as miserably trapped in a legally-binding contractual obligation to share community property as their heterosexual neighbors. I mean, think of what it will do to the sanctity of that 54% divorce rate!

Your dog is smaller than your cat.
As a matter of fact, my rat terrier is smaller than the stray cat I adopted. If it weren't for the excessive taxation required to fund all of the socialist entitlement programs such as our overseas military excursions, our failed "war on drugs", etc. that go toward feeding corporations like CCA and General Electric (neither of them managed to pay more in income taxes last year than I did, I might add, thanks to loopholes!), I could probably afford to own and feed a larger dog.

You bought your son a doll and your daughter a toy truck just to prove that gender is a social construct.
I don't have kids of my own yet...but my future stepchildren would likely slap the shit out of me if I ever did this to them.

You then gave your son a “time-out” for pretending that the doll is an enemy soldier. Such violence will not be accepted.
My girlfriend has a special place in her heart for movies that glorify explosions and violence. She'd probably slap the shit out of me if I ever did this to them.

When your 2-year-old daughter turned the truck into a “tea party” table, your immediate thought was, “I got to her too late and she was already brainwashed by society to think she’s a little woman”.
My girlfriend's daughter would have commandeered the toy truck, parked it under the tea party table she already has, and would have complained that her little brother was disturbing her tea party. That's just how she rolls. Winning? Yes.

Men are bigger, stronger and faster than women because our society is sexist.
No, *most* men are bigger, stronger, and faster than women, due to physics and biology. My grandma, on the other hand, could take on Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh simultaneously. In a Thunderdome-style celebrity death match. She might be 90 years old, but that old woman is hard-core!

On second thought, it’s sexist to say that men are bigger, stronger and faster.
No, it's a generality that is occasionally, as with the case of my grandma being pitted against O'Reilly and Limbaugh, humorously proven false.

Western women suffer at the hands of men, but Islamic women are greatly respected.
Women suffer at the hands of men all the time...because, generally speaking, physics and biology have determined that *most* women are smaller, weaker, and slower than *most* men. However, I respect a great deal of Muslim women. They may be as modest as your average Mennonite, but many of them are some wild broads once you get past being able to talk them into showing you their ankles!

The only time you’ve ever used the word “choice” was in reference to abortion. School choice or the choice to shop at Wal-Mart should be prevented at all costs.
School "choice" is, in 99.94% of all case of mention in the US, mentioned in regard to a "choice" of which public school people choose to send their children. Of course, it's easy to make a "choice" to do something, when you're "choosing" how to spend someone else's money...

If you are a man, your hair is longer than your girlfriend’s.
I work, on average, 22 out of every 28 days. When the barber shop is open, so is my store. If I want a haircut, I have to cut it myself...after I've been working all day. My girlfriend prefers to have short hair, because we live in Texas and long hair is hot. What's your point?

Women should stop listening to their husbands and start listening to you.
Women should start thinking for themselves, and stop listening to others. Unless, of course, you're a believer in one of those ass-backward third-world religions that think a woman should be subservient to her husband. Oh, wait. Nevermind...

There’s never a reason to hit a woman, unless she’s Ann Coulter or another conservative, in which case, she had it coming for having a mind of her own and disagreeing with you.
Ann Coulter isn't really a woman. Her Adam's Apple should have pointed that out to you. Wait, you had one of *those* experiences in college, didn't you?

People are born with a sexual orientation, but gender is a social construct and nobody is really born with male or female qualities.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and guess that you didn't really need to make a conscious effort to not start sucking dicks. Why? It's because I'm guessing that, just like me, you were *born with* a sexual orientation toward chicks, just like the other 90% of all other males of this species. I guess it's only a "choice" for that other ten percent, huh?

You agree with your cross-dressing friend that “our society” is just “too focused” on genitals in determining a person’s sex instead of determining gender by looking at the person’s clothes. Just because she has a penis instead of a vagina, chest hair instead of breasts and a prostate instead of ovaries, doesn’t mean she’s any less of a woman.
Dude, what kind of movies have YOU been watching?

Men who are aroused by breasts are abnormal freaks, but homosexuality is biologically normal.
I'm aroused by breasts, and I'm most likely an "abnormal freak"...and yet, somehow, I seriously doubt that the two are interrelated...

Men stand in front of toilets only to promote male supremacy and should be forced by the government to sit.
No. Men who stand in front of toilets should be at least sober enough to aim properly. If they're feeling that concerned about the role of gender during such a private and personal time, they may consider putting the seat down. Going any farther than that makes you just plain weird...

Great spirituality is found in Voodoo, but nothing in the Bible.
Yes, actually. A great deal of spirituality IS found in voodoo. They sacrifice chickens and shit like that. As for the other half of that sentence, I have a hard time comprehending incomplete thoughts and I'm gonna just leave that one alone.

Gay students should be allowed to publicly kiss in class, but Christians shouldn’t be allowed to quietly pray during a break.
What? In America, you're allowed to kiss, pray, worship satan, smoke crack, or do just about anything else you feel the need to do in public! Okay, well, maybe not smoke crack. I think they actually do have laws against that.

The Christmas tree should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography “only has to look the other way.”
Last time I checked, the First Amendment was still the law of the land in this country. You have the right to display a Christmas tree on your own private property. You even have the right to display it at taxpayer expense, if you allow your Wiccan neighbors the authority to display a large pentagram right next to it. Oh, think only your "traditional" religion should be celebrated in public? Even though pagan traditions, such as the pentagram AND the Christmas tree pre-date Christianity by several hundred years?

When a Western woman travels to the Middle East, she should respect their traditions and cover up. When Muslim illegally infiltrate Europe, they have the right to expect the Westerners to adjust to them. If the Europeans don’t, Muslims have every right to riot.
When you enter a foreign land and do not respect the local traditions, expect the locals to riot. When you are given specific rights and privileges as a matter of law, and the local law enforcement does not respect these rights and privileges, expect a riot. Somehow, I don't think it really matters what religion you are. If you disrespect someone, that person is going to get pissed off and want to riot!

Christianity is a threat. Islam is a religion of peace.
Christianity has never threatened me, nor has Islam. However, a great deal of "Christians" have threatened me on numerous occasions, yet a Muslim never has. Funny how that works out, ain't it?

The Constitution allows desecration of the flag, but makes it strictly illegal to desecrate the Koran.
No, not quite. However, a great many treaties we've signed HAVE made it specifically illegal to desecrate the personal belongings of prisoners, to intentionally induce mental stress upon them, et cetera. In other words, it's perfectly legal for YOU to buy a shitload of Korans and have a big "Mohammed and Bacon" barbecue in your back yard...but it's illegal for a soldier wearing our flag to burn a Koran in front of a prisoner for the purposes of taunting him. It's called the "Geneva Convention". Perhaps you've heard of it?

You found where the right to an abortion is written in the Constitution, but cannot find where the Constitution provides for a right to bear arms.
Actually, I know where the Second Amendment is. It's that amendment about two amendments ahead of the Fourth Amendment, stating that we are to be secure in our persons. I cannot, however, find anything in the constitution stating that a "fetus" is a person. Can you?

None of the Constitutional Rights you believe in are actually written in the U.S. Constitution.
Ummm...all of the "constitutional" rights I believe in are written in it. However, I am smart enough to figure out that our constitution didn't grant them.

Constitutional rights that are actually written in the Constitution are outdated and should be ignored. that one sounds vaguely reminiscent of a "Free Speech Zone", or even the "USA Patriot Act"! Those damned terr'rists hate us and want to kill us for our freedoms, we'd better just do away with our freedoms!

The First Amendment’s Freedom of Speech must take a back seat to sensitivity.
Screw that. Sensitivity needs to take a back seat, just like your mom did!

You think that the Declaration of Independence is a legally-binding document, but the Constitution should be read any which way you want.
The Declaration of Independence is merely a written expression of me telling my government to fuck off. The Constitution of the United States of America is the legally-binding document that allows me to do so in a court of law!

On second thought, the only thing binding about the Declaration of Independence is the sentence “all men are created equal”. You aren’t sure what else the declaration says, but you are sure that whitey had no right to declare independence on Indians’ land.
While I'm not so sure what right they may have had to declare anything on the Island of Manhattan, I'm quite certain that they didn't really give a rat's ass about India...

Child molesters can live anywhere and maintain their privacy, but Wal-Mart should be limited to far-away places where children can’t be exposed to it.
Child Molesters, like all other convicted felons, are sentenced by a judge and/or jury. After paying "their debt to society", they owe nothing more. That's what a prison sentence is. Duh. Society has declared that, as punishment for a specific act, a specific sentence must be imposed. If it's been imposed, and carried out, it's over and done with. You're not still paying for that speeding ticket you got 13 years ago, are you?

Teenagers can’t control their sexual urges no matter what we do, but child molesters and rapists can after counseling.
Likewise, when dealing with a "sex offender" whose crime was being a high school senior who had sex with his sophomore girlfriend on his 18th birthday, the proper response is to take bolt cutters to his genitalia...but we're going to prevent this from ever happening again, by simply telling everyone that it's immoral and wrong to have sex prior to marriage. Yeah, because that works. Just ask my dad!

Counseling is the proper punishment for all crimes except sexual harassment and racism.
When did the expression of opinion become a crime?

McDonald’s should be sued for selling dangerous products, but drug dealers should be released from prisons.
People should be allowed to sell whatever they want. McDonald's should be sued...not for selling dangerous products, but for providing the shittiest service in the history of fast food. And yes, that's really saying something. They have the shittiest service in the history of fast food.

Mumia is a great American, but the Founding Fathers were brutal racists and we should ignore everything they said.
Mumia never owned a slave. He may or may not have killed a cop. It may or may not have been in self defense. We'll never know why, or even IF, he did it...because he can't get a remotely fair trial. Our founding fathers believed in the concept of "innocent until proven guilty". It's a crying shame that we don't have enough respect for them, to see their dreams to fruition.

A five-year-old boy who pulls a girl’s hair should be punished, but gang bangers who are caught with guns should be let go because they didn’t do anything.
A five year old boy who pulls a girl's hair, without her consent, has committed an act of aggression. Try doing this to a cop, if you're beyond the age of 15, and see if you don't get a few years in the butt-rape factory! A "gang banger", however, has every bit as much right to own a gun as you do. Has this "gang banger" committed a crime with a gun, or did he merely possess one while driving down the street in a shitty old car with big rims while wearing a bandana? Does the second amendment only apply to people who don't drive a Chevy Caprice on 20" rims?

Affirmative action is the way to solve racial problems in America.
Affirmative Action is based on race; ergo, Affirmative Action is racist.

Quietly reading “The Bell Curve” on the bus is harassment, but keying someone’s car for disagreeing with you is activism.
The Bell Curve is propaganda, no better or worse than The Communist Manifesto, Mein Kampf, or Gattaca. And real activists don't key cars. They key foreheads.

When rape and murder statistics go up, you blame poverty.
No, I blame people being stupid enough to think that anti-crime initiatives by the local police would protect them. Call Nine Millimeter, not Nine One One!

Society should take responsibility for crime, but the criminals need more understanding.
A criminal is responsible for his actions. However, society is responsible for what constitutes a "crime".

We have too many police. If the cops backed off, the ghetto would be pristine.
Really? Come on! Even Nazi Germany had ghettos. You can't get more policed than the Gestapo!

America and Israel are the only problems in the Middle East.
That place is a shithole. Ask any man who has ever emptied a porta-john, and he'll tell you that the possibilities of being covered in shit expanded exponentially when he took a job emptying shitters.

Four year old babies should be frisked at the airport because focusing on nervous young Arabs would be discriminatory.
I'm a white male. Investigating me as a potential serial killer would be quite discriminatory, would it not? Scroll up, if you don't understand this.

Hezbollah is a legitimate political party, but Republicans are just a bunch of racist haters who should never be exposed to kids or college students.
"Politics should never be exposed to kids or college students." There, I fixed that for you.

It is wrong to kill terror leaders without a trial, but blowing up buses and airplanes is legitimate resistance.
During WWII, the United States mass-produced a single-shot .45ACP pistol known as the "Liberator". It was stamped out of the cheapest sheet metal we could find, mass-produced in the same manner we now produce disposable spoons, and air-dropped all over france. Due to its nature as an inaccurate piece of shit for a weapon, it was intended to be used by both men and women who did not wear uniforms and relied upon deception to get close to their targets. We called this "resistance". After the war was over, prior to executing the Nazi leadership, we provided them with every reasonable and honorable creature comfort during trial. We even allowed visits from their families. Then we hanged them, after we proved their guilt in a fair and open trial for the world to see.

Your peace rally consists of supporters of Hamas, Hezbollah and Saddam Hussein.
Peace rally? What's that?

You say, “Why do they hate us?” when America is attacked and “we’re just furthering the cycle of violence” when we retaliate.
I know why they hate us. I just wish that those responsible for retaliation would pay attention, when they're making home videos explaining why they hate us.

You aren’t unpatriotic, but you just can’t remember the last time you sided with the United States … on anything… against any country.
I love this nation, so much that I swore an oath to defend her constitution against all enemies foreign and domestic. Unfortunately, I can't recall a time in my life when she went against another nation for any valid reason.

If you support the United States, you are blind idiot who wraps himself in patriotism. If you support Israel, you fell for Zionist propaganda. If you side with Islamists, you truly understand international politics and your views are intricate and nuanced.
I support the population of the United States, even though I often disagree with my government. I cannot, however, say that I've ever actually met an "Islamist".

We had no business going to Afghanistan, but bombing Serbia in the 1990s on behalf of Islamic terrorist Kosovo Liberation Army was vital to our national interest.
I've seen 7.62x39 bullet wound scars from Kosovo and Afghanistan...and I didn't agree with either invasion.

Truth matters less than feelings.
I guess that's why the 1st Amendment of the US Constitution, and Article 1 Section 8 of the Texas Constitution, matter less than a prohibition of protest at a serviceman's funeral...because, you know, someone's feelings might get hurt.

You think Hamas and Robert Mugabe were fairly and democratically elected, but President Bush was not.
Technically, Bush II lost the popular vote overall. The recount was so jacked up that SCOTUS had to step in and declare him the winner, because Florida couldn't get their shit straight long enough to determine how to count the votes. I'm not too familiar with Mugabe, but I'm pretty sure that the Palestinians were in support of Hamas. Why? Because Hamas is largely anti-Israel, and the Palestinians can't fuckin' stand Israel. It's why they keep throwing rocks and shit. Duh!

You tell anyone who’ll listen that our elections are fraudulent and then you fight tooth and nail to prevent states from requiring a photo ID to vote.
No, I just stopped voting. Because Diebold runs our elections, and voting only encourages the bastards!

You are more proud of Obama’s race than of John McCain’s refusal to leave his buddies behind in Vietnamese prison.
I'm not sure what I care less about...Obama's race (the black part OR the white part!), or McCain's followers refusing to disavow his Beach Boys impression concerning Iran.

Dan Quayle is the dumbest Vice-President ever because he believed a flash card that misspelled “potato,” but Obama is a genius despite the fact that he believes that we have more than 57 states.
They're both almost as retarded as Bristol Palin's son. I think they named him "Trig"?

You laugh at Dan Quayle, but you still can’t figure out the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
I've given up on the grammatical errors I've found on this list so far tonight. I'm half drunk, what's your excuse?

Governor Sarah Palin is unqualified, but Daughter Caroline Kennedy and Wife Hillary Clinton were great candidates for the U.S. Senate. (And all 3 are unqualified)
Of course, they're all unqualified. There's not a single solitary testicle between the three of them! Well, I'm not so sure about Hillary...

You are more concerned about a politician being endorsed by the NRA than al Qaeda and the Socialist Workers Party.
I'm more concerned about the NRA's willingness to piss all over our Second Amendment rights, than I am worried about someone actually taking an endorsement from the SWP seriously.

All recounts must continue until the Democrat takes the lead, and not a second longer.
How about we stop counting until we can agree on a standardized way to count the votes?

You announce that you will move to Canada every time a Republican wins an election.
Screw that. Canada is cold. And it's full of Canadians!

None of your friends ever voted for a Republican.
I can't say they've never voted for a Republican. I can say they've never done it with a smile on their face, while truly realizing what they've done!

People who don’t chant, “Bush Lied, People Died” are all stupid.
I've never chanted that. However, I've never denied that it was true, either.

Barbra Streisand knows more about politics than Newt Gingrich. And BOTH are MORONS.
I'll agree that both are morons. Is that good enough?

95% of blacks voting for a black guy is normal, but 55% of whites voting for the white candidate is a sign of how flawed our racist voting system is.
With the way American politics has been historically dominated by wealthy white males, you could have a purple armadillo running for congress and non-wealthy non-whites would predominantly vote for it. That seems logical to me. As a white male, I don't think our voting system is "racist". I think our entire political system is just flawed.

You call yourself ‘progressive’ but oppose all progress because somebody might get fired and replaced by a cheap and more efficient computer program.
A) I don't call myself "progressive".
B) I work around computers all day, and know that if you don't have a human being with enough brains to run the damned thing, it's NOT going to be more efficient.

Capitalism is the cause of poverty.
No. Government regulation, even when disguised as "capitalism" (as we've had here in America for more than a century) is the cause of poverty.

People aren’t successful, they are privileged.
People are what they make of themselves.

People don’t earn. They deserve.
People deserve the right to earn. They don't earn the right to deserve.

The Christian Right shouldn’t impose their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because otherwise they won’t do the right thing.
Ummm...I'm an anarchist Capitalist Christian who thinks people shouldn't be imposing ANYTHING on someone who doesn't want it.

You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every activity except capitalism.
Again, I'm a vehement supporter of capitalism. Perhaps you missed that part?

You think the case for global warming is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if capitalism and free markets work better than socialism.
Again, staunch capitalist and firm believer that man isn't responsible for "global warming". Shit, am I becoming one of you?

It’s obscene that oil companies are allowed to make 8.3 cents per gallon in profit with gas prices this high, but it’s OK for the government to make several times more than that in taxes.
No, it's obscene that people still bitch about the price of gasoline while they drive SUVs that get 12 miles per gallon, and expect that "the government" should "do something about it". Ride a bike, or adjust your damned budget!

McDonald’s gives people an option to super-size their meal because it is purposely trying to kill black people by giving them heart disease, cancer, diabetes and stroke.
No, McDonald's is giving people the option to super-size because they are purposely trying to make that almighty dollar. They don't give a rat's ass about black people. Or white people. The only color they care about is green!

You are steeped in compassion, but never gave money to charity or donated blood.
I'm a gallon donor, and I just recently gave my annual $40 donation to the Shriner's Hospital. What have YOU done for charity lately?

Your favorite sport is soccer. You pronounce it “foot-bowl”. You can’t name a single player or when was the last World Cup. You never actually watched a soccer match, but saying “foot-bowl” seems like a good answer to give when you are drinking your caramel latte with scones.
I don't have time for a "favorite sport". I'm too busy being a productive member of society, adding thousands of dollars per month into the local tax base.

Your other interests are Ballet, Opera and Gangsta Rap.
Never cared for ballet too much...but I'm a pretty big fan of "gangsta rap". You should really check out Snoop Dogg's new video. It's a collaboration with Willie Nelson.

You favor games where you don’t keep score, run or in any way risk bruising yourself.
My last 5k was run through mud and fire. While wearing steel-toe boots. What, you're on the local bowling league?

You really wish to go to India to study spiritualism there, but you wouldn’t be caught dead in a church.
If I could find a church that wasn't filled with assholes like the person who wrote this, who were so far removed from the teachings of Christ that it makes my head spin, I'd probably go more often. "Christian" America gave us the KKK. India gave us Gandhi. Who do you think I'm more at home with?

Your car has 8 bumper stickers calling Republicans morons and saying that Bush is a murderer, but that “McCain/Palin” bumper stick you just saw is really offensive so you just had to scratch that car with your key.
All presidents are murderers. Bush just happens to be the only one that sent my classmates to a third-world country to get shot up. So far, anyway. Most of my friends are out now, but Libya just got started...

You wear a Yasser Arafat head scarf, but laugh at those who wear formal ties.
No, I wear a two-month-old haircut, because I'm always at work when the barber shop is open. You should maybe try it some time, that whole "working for a living" thing.

Playing competitive sports could do permanent harm to teenagers, but smoking weed daily and occasionally trying hard drugs is just something all college students do.
Not so sure about that whole "playing competitive sports" thing...but getting a criminal record for having a marijuana seed getting found in the ashtray of your car sure is a pretty permanently harmful thing for a teenager. I never smoked pot in college, but I know a few millionaires who did. My grandpa knows a former president who smoked pot in College. His wife, Laura, always made it a point to send my grandpa a Christmas card.

Fox News is biased, but Al Jazeera isn’t. In fact, Fox News invented media bias.
I wouldn't give 'em so much credit as to say they "created" media bias, but the last presidential debate didn't exactly win me over to their "fair and balanced" spin.

Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean-spirited racists and promote hate crime, but Maxine Waters, John Conyers and Louis Farrakhan aren’t and don’t.
They're all a bunch of assholes that get paid to rile up anger. It's like professional wrestling, but they're older and their wardrobes suck.

Rush Limbaugh’s listeners are mindless “dittoheads,” but you have never doubted anything that you heard from Michael Moore.
Rush Limbaugh is a prescription opiate addict. Michael Moore, on the other hand, is addicted to bacon and stupid. Either way, I don't listen to either of them.

Assaulting the President by throwing shoes at him is free speech, but political cartoons about Muhammad aren’t.
Cartoons are protected expression in America. A flip-flop being thrown at President Bush in Iraq is, by all definitions, nothing more than a poor example of marksmanship. I mean, damn, the guy wasn't that far away! Then again, if he had been throwing bricks, they would have traveled faster and he probably could have scored a hit!

Freedom of speech means the right to scream when a conservative tries to speak in order to prevent anyone from hearing his views.
Freedom of Speech applies to everyone in America, provided it does not infringe upon another's right to life, liberty, or property.

Freedom of speech applies to terrorists, not conservative radio talk show hosts.
Freedom of Speech applies to everyone in America, provided it does not infringe upon another's right to life, liberty, or property. Amazing how that whole "consistency" thing works, ain't it?

Everyone who disagrees with you must be reported for racism to your employer, university dean and the police.
Everyone who disagrees with me? Well, that would include damned near everyone, so it's not likely that I'd waste that much of my time. I'm usually far too busy going to work and stuff.

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